A Long Spiral Down
by Ykari
Summary: Slight S3 AU. Quinn never finds out about Puck sleeping with Shelby and thus never gets over Beth. In her anger, she does something she will always regret in pursuit of another child. Rated for noncon.


It didn't really happen on purpose. It wasn't like Quinn was planning on it and spiked Kurt's drink for nefarious reasons. Actually it was Puck and Santana who had been spiking Kurt's drinks all night so it was probably their fault.

(_Except for that little voice in your head that reminds you that it wasn't Puck or Santana who found him in the Pierce's spare room, unbuttoned his pants and _-)

Kurt didn't really drink. The entire club was aware of this. Even Sam, Rory, Blaine, and Sugar were aware of this and knew the story about why. They've all heard the embarrassing story of Kurt, a bottle of Chablis, and hurling all over Ms. Pillsbury. Kurt claimed that April Rhodes took advantage of his innocent nature when he could be bothered to comment on the story at all.

(_Not the last time he's been taken advantage of, eh Quinn?_)

Puck and Santana both got it into their heads that they weren't going to let Kurt make it through their post-Sectionals party sober, especially since Blaine couldn't make it and wouldn't be around to notice them getting his boyfriend drunk. Unfortunately, they came up with the plan separately and didn't inform each other of it. It took less than an hour for Kurt to be completely wasted and he probably would have gotten alcohol poisoning again if Finn hadn't noticed and put an angry stop to it. Finn spent the better part of ten minutes yelling at Puck and Santana.

(_How do you think Finn would react if he knew what you did to his little brother? Puck and Santana just wanted him to have a good time. They meant well, underneath it all. Not you._)

Finn was the designated driver for a couple of different people so he couldn't just leave early to take his brother home. Rory suggested they lay Kurt down in the room he'd been staying in. It was a small spare room, but it was on the other end of the Pierce's house so Kurt wouldn't be bothered by the noise from the party and could sleep the alcohol off. Finn ended up having to carry Kurt when Kurt turned out to be way too drunk to walk himself there. Finn said he was asleep before he even hit the bed.

(_Stayed asleep the whole time too. Blackout drunk. And even unconscious, he was still a better lay than Puckerman, except for the part where you're a terrible person for thinking that._)

The party continued on without Kurt, though Finn was surly for the rest of the night and Puck and Santana both looked sheepish. It was an unusual look for both of them. Quinn drank but didn't really talk to anyone. She wasn't friends with any of these people anymore. She was good at faking it but she didn't care about any of them and they didn't care about her. She'd heard that Shelby was leaving since the Troubletones had lost, which meant Quinn didn't have any reason to stick with the Glee club anymore.

(_You're leaving because the club doesn't benefit you anymore, right? Because you can't manipulate your way into Beth's life through the Glee club. It's definitely not because every time you look at him, you feel bile and guilt well up in your throat, as sure and constant as morning sickness._)

It didn't take long for Quinn to get fed up with being at the party, though she was fairly drunk by the time she decided she was through. Quinn lived close enough to Brittany that she could walk home so she wandered through the Pierce house, intending to use the bathroom and then leave before anybody noticed she was missing and insisted on escorting her.

(_And afterward, Sam did walk you home even though he knew how close you lived. A lone drunk girl, walking home by herself? Wouldn't want her to get hurt, get attacked, get raped, would you? He didn't say any of those things to you, but the irony burns through your veins like wildfire._)

She stumbled into the spare room on accident. She really did. She got disoriented leaving the bathroom and forgot where she was going. She opened the wrong door and there he was, sprawled across Rory's bed, on top of the sheets. Rory's room was mostly plain, he had clearly never taken the time to personalize it. He'd been living in it for months and it still looked like a spare room. The only indication that it was Rory's was the backpack slung across the dresser and the bright green pillow with a shamrock on it that Finn had tucked under Kurt's head. Kurt looked beautiful laying there, chest rising and falling slowly, long, strong limbs splayed out, and his hair mussed and falling in his face. He looked angelic.

(_Kurt doesn't believe in God, but you do and you know God will punish you for what you've done. You've done a lot of things worth being punished for, but they might have been forgiven with time and repentance. There's no forgiving this._)

Quinn had always liked Kurt. He was brave and tough, even when he didn't look like it. He was quick and clever without being obnoxious, witty and charming without being patronizing. He had been kind to her even though she had been cruel to him and he never judged her for the things she had done. If he had been straight, she would have been dearly in love with him and probably would have picked him over Puck or Finn.

(_It's that thought that got you into trouble. Finn is a nice guy, but stupid and easily manipulated. Puck's sly and handsome, but a terrible person. Of course, you don't have any room to talk about terrible people now, do you?_)

Quinn had shut the door and moved next to him before she even realized what she was doing. She straddled Kurt's waist and traced the muscles in his surprisingly broad chest with her fingertips while her muddled brain puzzled over what her body had already figured out. She wanted to unbutton his shirt so she could touch his skin, but Kurt's clothing was complicated enough normally and she wasn't sure she was coordinated enough to manage it. She pushed her hands up it instead, only to realize that he had an undershirt on that was tucked into his pants. Quinn growled in annoyance and though she could have just tugged the undershirt free, she popped the button on his pants instead, only to find that he wasn't wearing underwear. And then her brain finally caught up.

(_There was a moment where you could have stopped. Where you realized what you were doing and you knew you shouldn't. Where the clouds in your head parted and you saw that it was wrong. But you did it anyway._)

Quinn breathed out softly, her hand on his pants zipper. Kurt was completely out and it was still early enough into the party that nobody would come back to the spare room for awhile. She could get away with it. And Kurt was amazing. Beautiful, talented, smart, and gentle. If Puck, an all around awful excuse for a human being, could give Quinn something as perfect as Beth... What kind of perfection could Kurt give her?

(_If Puck is an awful person, then you certainly are too, so maybe you canceled each other out to produce something wonderful. All you did this time was tarnish something good._)

She unzipped him carefully, as though that would wake him up when sitting on top of him hadn't. She raised herself off of him enough to wriggle his too-tight pants down. She stared at his cock for a long moment before a burst of raucous laughter from somewhere down the hallway made her jerk away. She got off of him carefully and locked the door, hoping that if anybody did come by, it would give her time to hide everything. She toed her shoes off and reached under her skirt to remove her underwear before she returned to the bed, sitting at Kurt's side. She smoothed his hair down like a child before turning her attention away from his face.

(_Thinking of him as a child makes the whole thing so much worse, for obvious reasons. But that's what you think of, when you remember that night._)

Quinn has never really had the opportunity to just look at somebody's penis. Puck's was the only one she'd ever seen and he hadn't been interested in foreplay or exploration. He'd gone right to the main event and it had been short, hard, and frankly painful. Puck hadn't been used to having sex with virgins and hadn't remembered to be gentle. But Quinn was in control this time and she reached out to run her hand over Kurt softly, just to feel. Kurt huffed out a breath and Quinn's eyes darted to his face, but he didn't wake.

(_You were so scared of him waking. If he found out, your life was over. The entire Glee club would literally murder you, Finn and Blaine and Rachel at the front of the line. And you would deserve it._)

The timid touches were slowly making him harden and Quinn became more confident, stroking him properly and as firmly as she dared. Kurt's mouth parted and his hips gave short rabbit thrusts towards her fist. His breathing had picked up a bit but there was still no sign of him waking up. Quinn jerked him slowly until she could see pre-cum glistening at the head. Her own body already ached for him, unbearably horny and desperate. She wanted him, so badly, not just because he was beautiful but because of what he could give her. She moved to straddle his hips again and hovered over him, still gripping his cock.

(_Last chance to back out. Last chance to do the right thing. But of course, you didn't._)

She had to close her eyes as he slid into her. He felt bigger than Puck, but it could have just been because it had been so long. Quinn sunk down onto him until her hips were pressed into his. Kurt was a great deal stronger than her and if he had been awake, her body weight would have meant nothing at all to him. But he wasn't, so he could only make gentle, unconscious jerks of his hips. Quinn was leery of bracing her hands on his chest, afraid it might wake him, so she put her hands on either side of Kurt's chest and started riding him.

(_He let out soft whimpers and whines that made you feel better at the time because it was clear that he was enjoying it, even if he was dreaming of somebody else instead of you. But afterward, you wish he hadn't made them because in your own dreams, they are no longer sounds of pleasure, but of fear._)

Quinn's thighs were burning with exertion by the time Kurt's breathing started to stutter. His hips snapped up sharply and he breathed out a noise that sounded like "Blaine," as he came. She rolled off of him as soon as he was done and lay for a moment with her hips canted up. She wasn't that worried about her own pleasure, only in whether or not this worked.

(_Because if it didn't work, then you raped your friend for no reason at all. Of course, you still raped him even if it did work._)

Instead, she thought about what she would do if she would do if it did work. There were only about four months of school left. She wouldn't fill out fast enough for anyone to notice, especially if she dropped back out of Glee. Quinn would graduate before she started showing and the graduation robes would hide a baby bump well if she did start showing early. Kurt would leave for New York at the end of summer and Quinn would stay in Ohio. She would never leave and he would never come back.

(_No part of this plan involves him ever finding out about his child. You're selfish and this is something for you, not for him. If he knew, he would take your child- his_ _child away because you are a terrible, terrible person who doesn't deserve one. If he doesn't know then he gets his bright, beautiful future and you get a bright, beautiful baby who just so happens to have his bright, beautiful eyes._)

Eventually, Quinn had to get up. The longer she stayed, the riskier it got. She tucked Kurt back into his pants as best as she could and slipped off the bed to retrieve her underwear and shoes. She paused at the door and looked back at him. He looked normal. A bit mussed up but he had looked like that before from the alcohol. She left the room quietly and went to the bathroom to make sure that she didn't look too odd either.

(_Had to make sure you didn't look like you just raped a dear friend. No, you need to look like your normal fucked up self, but not that fucked up._)

Quinn almost collided with Sam coming out of the bathroom and couldn't hold back a gasp. He patted her shoulders comfortingly. "S'okay, Quinn. Just me," he said, slurring slightly. "Where you been all night?"

Quinn flinched, but Sam was too drunk to notice. "I... I wasn't feeling well. I think I'm going to go home."

"Oh, okay. Let me walk with you. Make sure you get home safe."

Quinn nodded, eager to leave the house as soon as possible. Sam made conversation the entire way to her house, but Quinn didn't say a single word to him and he didn't seem to care.

(_Finn takes Kurt home later, but it's late and he's tired and he just isn't attentive enough to notice the smell of sex in the room. Rory's too drunk to notice when he goes to bed that night. At least, that's what you figure happened because nobody ever says anything about it or voices a suspicion. Kurt never seems to notice at all._)

The party had been on a Friday night so Quinn had the entire weekend to panic about what she'd done. She kept waiting for an accusing phone call or for Finn to barge in, demanding to know why she'd done it. But nothing happened. The only contact she got all weekend was Santana sending her a text asking if she wanted to go to the mall with the girls. Apparently the Troubletones girls were trying to re-bond with the rest of the group. Quinn might have gone, but she suspected the 'girls' included Kurt and maybe Blaine.

(_You're pretty sure that if you actually had to spend an entire day with Kurt this soon after, you would confess. You're also pretty sure that you should. You're even more sure that you can't._)

Quinn went to Mr. Schuester first thing on Monday and told him that she was quitting Glee. She made up pretty lies about senior stress and needing time to figure herself out now that Beth had been taken out of her life again. Schue was hurt and confused, but he let her go without fuss. The club still had enough members even if she left. He wasn't obligated to try and keep her around. She spent the rest of the week dodging her former friends and largely succeeding. But every time she caught a glimpse of Kurt in the halls, whether he noticed her or not, her stomach clenched.

(_The days crawl as you wait to find out if you're pregnant or not. It takes time before a test will be able to tell. Every day is torture and you're on the verge of dropping out just so you won't have to look at him._)

Then, before she could even think to find an out of the way pharmacy that wouldn't recognize her, her period came.

(_It's karma, isn't it? You cheated, so God punished you with a child. You raped your friend trying to make another, so He didn't grant you one._)

Quinn skipped school for the entire length of it, sobbing in her room where her mother couldn't hear her. She cried for what she had done and she cried for a child that didn't exist.

(_You're an idiot for thinking it could have happened. It was incredible odds to wind up pregnant the first time you had sex. You know that. You passed Biology. You know how hard it is to get pregnant. What made you think you could get that lucky again the second time you had sex?_)

When Quinn went back to school the next week, she said nothing at all. She passed Kurt by in the halls without looking at him.

(_Because even if you got nothing out of it, you still did something so very, very wrong to him. And he doesn't even know._)

Quinn didn't start dying her hair pink again, didn't start smoking again, or wearing punk rock clothes.

(_But you're still spiraling down, down, down. You just don't look like it._)

With Shelby and Beth gone, Puck had no reason to talk to Quinn anymore. And with Quinn out of Glee club and involved in no others, nobody else did either.

(_You overhear one of your former Skank friends make a joke about how boys can't be raped. She isn't talking to you or even about you, but you still run out of the lunch room and barely make it to the girls bathroom before you start puking._)

The Glee kids stopped trying to talk to Quinn, but a few of them kept giving her sympathetic looks. Kurt and his boyfriend were among them. Finn and Puck were not.

(_You already know you won't make it to graduation. The guilt is killing you, but the punishment is terrifying. You write dozens of notes explaining everything and never send them. They aren't addressed to Kurt anyway. You can't tell him. They're all addressed to Puck._)

It wasn't worth it.

(_But you knew that when you did it._)

In March of 2012, Lucy Quinn Fabray skips town and nobody, not even her mother, can figure out where she went or if she was even alive. Noah "Puck" Puckerman finds a box of letters on his front porch and though they all say the same thing, he reads every single one of them, horrified. He takes the box and all of its contents to Kurt Hummel. When Kurt is done reading them, Puck asks him what he wants to do.

(_Because Puck is not actually an awful person, no matter what you think of him, and he knows that Kurt alone has the right to decide what to do next._)

Kurt saves only one note, out of the dozens. "In case I change my mind."

He burns the rest.


End file.
